Video coming soon. The video teaching for Day 12 is still in production. Read the full lesson below, it will be added here as soon as it is ready.
For a while, I used a filter that blocked but didn't report to anyone. When I was using, it became a game to see if I could beat it: what site wasn't blocked yet, what search terms got through. I could roll through 75 blocked sites and land on one that got past the filter.
The reason: I had a blocker, but I could still be anonymous.
Today, here's what we're sacrificing: anonymity.
Porn used to require exposure. Now it doesn't.
It used to be that getting pornography meant walking into an adult store, or asking for something from behind the counter at a sketchy convenience store. Not anymore. It's instant and anonymous.
So what makes it harder? Install a real filter: not just one that blocks, but one that reports to a real person. Choose someone you don't want to disappoint. For me these days, that's my teenage sons. That'll put the fear of God in you.
Why accountability software actually works
Accountability software isn't unbeatable, and it's not a path to the real healing God has for you. But it's still valuable, for three reasons:
- It's crisis intervention. It's a tourniquet: designed to stop the bleeding on the battlefield while you work on getting stabilized and healthy. It works by creating enough pain that using porn becomes more painful than not using it. That's a good thing, because it reflects reality.
- It buys you a gap. The difference between us and an animal is that in animals, stimulus and response are tightly connected. In humans, there's a gap between the two: that gap is where choice happens, given to us by the grace of God (Titus 2:11). In addiction, that gap gets almost closed by habit and brain chemistry. A filter puts an extra gap back in.
- It's a practical way to obey Christ's command. That one's clear enough on its own.
For most of you, your phone is the access point. Whatever yours is, you already know your list. You've been protecting it. Stop protecting it.
You don't have to figure out who to call alone.
The community exists to help you find a real accountability partner, not just an app that watches you.
Picking who sees your accountability reports
Pick someone who loves Jesus and loves you enough to call you on it, not the friend who won't say anything. Someone who will actually have the conversation with you. The research on this is consistent: accountability software with a real person on the other end is one of the most effective practical interventions there is. It's inconvenient. It's uncomfortable to know someone can see what you're doing. That's exactly why it works.
How I got non-anonymous the first time
I had a friend I finally told, the first time I'd really told anyone. I hated it, but it needed to be done. A few days later, we were out to eat again. He asked. I dropped my eyes and said, "Yeah, I failed again."
He said, "Okay. Why don't you go home and tell your wife and kids that you're leaving, that you love it more than you love them?"
I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. He reframed it in a way that woke up my masculine desire to protect my wife and kids. I've never forgotten that moment. I determined I would never let that happen.
What to do
Call someone you trust and tell them the truth. Here's how to know who to call, someone who:
- Loves Jesus and cares about you
- Will be brutally honest with you, call out your best, and never let you lose hope
- You see regularly, a pastor, or a partner on a weekly call
If you've already reached out in the last couple of days, that's great. If you haven't, you've got to do it. If you won't do this, you're probably just wasting your time on recovery. That's how major this is.
This is Day 12 of Victory Over Pornography. Continue to Day 13 →